Friday, April 27, 2012

spontaneous lie.......

so i can't lie.  this isn't really spontaneous.  i have felt it in my deepest depths of my soul for the last month or so and it has come out in weird ways, weird emotions.  i feel my run last night might have finally opened the door for the flood to release all this in me the way it is supposed to be my words......with yoga and the treadmill ; )

i used to.........

I used to write.  It's what I did.  I was going to be an award winning playwright. It was in my nature to always have a pen and paper....actually the PERFECT pen and journal.  They changed as I did.  Sometimes I wrote in black, sometimes purple.  Sometimes in felt tip, sometimes in ball point. My journals were fairly consistent.  Thick, lined (once I had an unlined one and it was my best work yet ; ) , usually spiral bound. I hate getting pens and journals as a gift.  That is mine to pick out, or should I say for it to pick me ; )

I have no rules to my writing.  I write sporadically and without sense sometimes.My punctuation is horrendous!!! Which is very ironic because I ROCK at papers......  I will be talking about one thing and then all of a sudden talk about another.  did you get that ; ) I try to keep up with the thoughts in my head....sometimes it's hard....sometimes it's's ALWAYS obscure and interesting.

I have thought about writing under a pen name.....another mask to hide behind......I have enough just with my online presence, what difference would one more make?  A lot.  I am Kristi Marie, I will give you that.  The rest I will leave a mystery or a blatant tattle tale ; )  I will be as honest as I usual am, but those that know me know I tell stories in the moment.  Can't help it, just do.  I get uncomfortable in front of people I don't know and turn into someone else to ease the discomfort.  I am pretty up front in my writing, sometimes too upfront.

Professionally I am a mother, a doula in training, master herbalist, urban micro farmer, yogi in training (always), crafter, humanitarian, organic enthusiast, and a major major foodie!

Socially I am a friend, an empath, a giver, a true pisces. in the right situation i love being the social butterfly.  i like entertaining at my house and throwing spontaneous dance parties when i have drank too much wine. i love to feed people, dinner, dessert, fresh produce. i am passionate about food.

I am a self diagnosed ADD.I have to do many things at one time or i do nothing at all. i don't like doing nothing at all.  i have my head in the clouds most of the time.  i feel weird around "normal" people.  i laugh REALLY REALLY loud.  i tend to dominate conversations. daily i work on listening. I have a list of jobs a mile long that I have done.  i get bored easy and move on to the next thing.

To be real, i am many things that consume me and that's what I am here to really be up front about. 

I am an eater.  An obsessive eater.  An obsessive self destructive eater. a highly skilled non eater!  if you were lucky enough to read the first 30 posts of this blog you will know some of that shit.  I deleted it all.  It wasn't me.  Well, it is, but not really.  maybe. Too much to represent myself with the path I am currently trying to stay true to.

I am an addict.  addicted to not just one thing but too many.  it's in my behavior. I have insanely addicted behavior in almost all aspects of my life. i have spent many hours in therapist offices and I even spent a year and a half of graduate work trying to understand the innate rebel that lives inside me. the one that gets me in so much god damn fucking trouble. (yeah I cuss A LOT....I do apologize if that offends)

currently I am on a good, yes, has it's faults if i am to  be honest, but fairly good addiction.......i am juicing a bunch, doing a shit ton of yoga and running like a fiend once a week.....seriously like fiend.....I feel like i have to run til my lungs burn.  i did 11 miles last night.  i did five and it just wasn't enough.  i went back and did 6 more. it wasn't a weight thing, it was an exhaust of some sort.  whatever it was, i feel great.  i feel strong and empty ..............I must look like the most ridiculous person at the gym......usually monochromatic black with my hot pink skull crusher skull candy headphones with my music as loud as it goes.  I am that crazy insane person who you worrying about falling off the treadmill or elliptical.  i dance, i sing (hopefully I just lip sync), sometimes I really lose myself and hoot and holler.  i can't help it.  If only everyone enjoyed working out as much as i did!!!!! we would have an absolute decrease in disease or like me have a high increase of muscle tears and pulls. haha. I tend to over do it.  i already stated the disclaimer......addictive behavior. it' is odd to me that i allow myself this vulnerability at the gym.  maybe i fool myself because i don't see anyone i know so i am the "crazy" lady at the gym ; )

so I am at a point where i am in control (kinda) i have stayed away from any arm weights, which is usually what gets me in trouble, at least for the last three years, but i learned my lesson with my last bicep tear.  i swear!  i even sold the waterproof mp3 player so i wouldn't swim until my shoulder has fully recovered from surgery.

my sugar is in control.  i haven't binged.  i want to sometimes.  sometimes i am disgusted by the thought of it.  fast food has left me.  i no longer crave it.  so when i do have my binges it's on asparagus pizza (gluten free homemade) but a binge is still a binge and i haven't been in control of that for a lengthy period of time to pat myself on the back just yet, but maybe I should think like AA and be proud for one day at a time.......i know i know.  it's hard for me. still learning ; )

I haven't spent as much time as i have wanted to in the got cold again and lost most of my tomatoes and a bit overwhelmed still by last years weeds.  it was a jungle!  i am glad to be back in the dirt and can't wait to sit in the middle of the fresh dirt with my salt shaker eating tomatoes and cucumbers (miss you Homer).

ok.  so i think that might be a good starter.  I will be better.  can't promise. cuz that sets me up for failure ; )  I will simply say I will be better : )